Sometimes I get the idea in my head that I’m a pretty good person. My kid’s needs are met, and I try to be involved in their lives. I go to work every day like I’m supposed to. I try to be kind and show up for people in my community when they’re in need.
There’s plenty of people out there who don’t function in life as well as I do, or who do downright unspeakable things to others. I could definitely be doing worse, I tell myself.
And I really love feeling like I have it together.
So when the Holy Spirit starts to whisper to me that there might be something ugly in my heart, my first inclination is to plug my ears and go, “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”
I don’t want anyone, including the Lord of the Hosts, to wreck my delightful illusion of self-righteousness.
But as 1 John 1:8 says, “If we claim to have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves, and not living in the truth.”
And I’m no exception. Because underneath the layers of my ‘good person’ façade, it’s not pretty. Pride, selfishness, greed, hatred, disrespect, bitterness, laziness, impatience, hypocrisy, unforgiveness, a critical spirit…I could go on. It’s all in there, and I’m more than happy to just keep all that ugliness tucked away where I can safely ignore it.
Confronting My The Dark Parts of My Own Heart
At one point, I had someone in my life who, in my opinion, took advantage of my generosity. They treated my resources like they were theirs, helped themselves to things they didn’t contribute to, and didn’t seem to feel any responsibility to give back. They didn’t ask permission, didn’t show appreciation, and worst of all—they never even seemed to notice how much it bothered me.
And oh, it bothered me.
I didn’t just get annoyed; I got resentful. I kept a mental list of every inconsiderate thing they did. I stewed over it. I imagined conversations where I called them out and finally got the respect and gratitude I thought I deserved. And even after they were out of my life, I still clung to the bitterness, replaying everything in my head, like somehow my anger would retroactively make them sorry.
I let myself be filled with hostility towards this person. Truly, the attitude of my heart was disobedience to a God who calls us to forgive, but I did NOT want to let it go. It felt good to stay mad about it and pretend there was nothing wrong.
But God loves me too much to let me sit in my sin.
God’s Mercy Makes All The Difference
The dark parts of my heart, like bitterness and unforgiveness, are what keep me from having a deeper relationship with God and other people. Just one sin is enough to separate me from God forever! They keep me from running the race God has set before me (Hebrews 12:1). Clinging to my sin and refusing to bring it into the light and address it makes my life worse, not better.
It certainly sometimes feels like God is trying to make me miserable by making me deal with my sin. It’s so uncomfortable and I never feel like doing it. But ultimately, it’s an act of mercy from Him. He wants me to walk in truth. He wants me to be closer to Him. He wants me to be free from the clutches of darkness.
I didn’t want to forgive that difficult person in my life, and sometimes I still struggle with those feelings of bitterness creeping back in. It’s an ongoing process.
But He lovingly continues to reveal my sin to me, and He gives me an opportunity to confess it to Him. And instead of giving me the punishment I deserve for my wrongdoing, He showers me with grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
He’ll do it for you, too. Just ask Him.
Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”
Melinda Ashley
Digital Specialist, STAR 101.5
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